Sunday, September 23, 2012

What's that smell?

Haha.  Here's a bit of an uncomfortable topic. 

When you use the bathroom as often as I do, you develop a whack of strategies to make it as pleasant and un-embarrassing (is that a word? Well, it is now) as possible.  Especially when you're in a multi-stalled or public washroom.

There is the "pre-roll of the toilet paper".  I don't use this one as much anymore, but it helped me feel better when I first started out on this nutty adventure.  Basically, if I was alone in the bathroom when I sat down, I would roll out a couple wipes worth of toilet paper.  That way, if someone came in mid-go, I could likely get away with only rolling out one more wipe-worth.  In my mind, this meant that the lady in the next stall would think I was only there for a tinkle. 

Then there is the "mid-explosion, noise cancelling flush".  I know that doesn't fool anyone into thinking that I'm done, since I'm still sitting down and remain sitting for the next few minutes.  But I like to think that others appreciate my being courteous in this way.

Oh yes, and there is the "lingering of shame".  This is for when I haven't been able to camouflage what I've been doing in the stall from my neighbours.  So I basically just wait them all out, and exit the stall only when the bathroom is empty.  Of course, I still have to leave the actual bathroom so it doesn't really hide my identity from anyone who may be waiting outside to catch a glimpse of the crazy-pooper.

As you can see, none of these strategies really work.  It's all a thinly veiled attempt at having a bit of dignity in the midst of all this craziness.


I have found something that works to solve the biggest problem of my condition: the GADAWFUL smell.

Poop smells.  We know this.  We don't really like to talk about it.  We all just spray around that "fresh linen" scented air freshener while pretending that it doesn't make the bathroom smell like fresh linen poo. 

See, I'm not the only one who suspends my disbelief in this area.

The problem is when you mix poop with blood.  It smells like rotting flesh, which I suppose is what you would see if you took a peek into my colon.  We have peppermint air freshener in our bathrooms right now, and it warps the smell into something that I imagine I would smell in a morgue if I was chewing gum.

Not pleasant.

Even less pleasant when you're in a public washroom with a lineup, and you have to make eye contact with the lady you're subjecting this to after you leave.  My smile to her says "I'm so sorry, and I hope I never see you again in my life".

That's where this trick has changed my life (please click over there, I don't want to have to explain it all in detail.  Plus, she does a much better job than I ever could).  I've used Wintergreen Oil, and this is nice for home.  But I carry around Lavender Oil with me and use it all the time.

So if you're ever in a toilet and are wondering "who pooped lavender?"  It was probably me.

You're welcome.


  1. I giggled when I read about the morgue comment because the embalming fluid that we used a work smelled like peppermint LOL

    1. Hehe, I've never been around dead bodies, but if I was to invent embalming fluid I would think peppermint would be a nice touch. I imagine that it's not as nice in reality :)